Overcoming being the victim

I mentioned in a podcast I recorded last night how I used to be in constant victim mentality, especially from the age of 10 to 24. I understand how it happened, I witnessed a decent amount of victim-mentality growing up and it became a subconscious programming. 

During these years, anytime I had a conflict with a person, I would list all the things they did wrong to me. When unfortunate things happened, they happened TO me not for me. I was powerless in my circumstances because all of the things and all the people that put me in the situation.

Though it seemed like it was me acknowledging the injustices in my life, it was really the act of blaming my own life, my own circumstances, my own situations on anything else other than myself. I was not taking any accountability to how I actively contributed and allowed my own suffering.

So, consequently, I took my own power away. I chose to be a victim. I avoided empowered action as I perceived my life as being out of my own control. And as you can imagine, living a life you don't have any control over is living a life you don't want.

I had lived intentionally and consumed inspirational, motivational content since I was 19, so the fact I was still living in victimhood for another 5 years demonstrates how sneaky this negative belief can be. 

Often when fighting with my partner, I would list all the ways he did me wrong, how the place we lived did me wrong, how my mom, my employers, my landlord, my kids all did me wrong. And at one point, he told me I acting like a victim. There was no denying it, the moment he said it, it rang true. 

Here I was, someone constantly preaching about individual power and manifestation however, there I sat, complaining how I had no control over the mistreatment I received. 

The reality was, I consented to being with my partner, I co-signed that he could treat me that way. The place we lived, I was choosing to live there in that way. I allowed my mom to make me upset, I gave her that power. I kept working for the employers who constantly put me in uncomfortable situations. I kept expecting our landlord to suddenly realise things about how she treated people despite everyone telling us not to expect it. My kids, well they are kids, their behaviour reflects a million things from their own nature and nurture and as a parent, it's my responsibility to figure out how to handle it.

By intellectually recognising how I held partial, if not all, responsibility - I began to take my power back and disassemble the victim mentality.

And, trust me, in situations of abuse or severe horrors, you can most definitely be a victim. I am strictly talking about the act of using victim mentality in everyday life.

As for the emotional side of it, I am still working though it years later. Sure, I can mindfully remind myself of the role I play in my own life. But, in the face of difficulties, to not FEEL like a victim is much harder. After mentally scripting my own responsibility, I allow myself to feel how I naturally feel from the situation. My feelings are valid after all. I accept that I will feel that way and it is okay to feel that, I understand the feelings will come in waves but will eventually become bearable.

Then, I combine the two. I think of an intellectual solution to the issue as I tend to feel better when I know I had a solution. Then, I go for it. It becomes an intention and as I try to enact the solution, the feelings shift and get better. 

It will be significantly harder to change your life if you consistently surrender your personal power to victimhood, being able to mindfully identify it, address it, and overcome it is essential.

- Dani 💚💙