Understanding Your Shadows

We have learned what shadow work is, we have addressed a shadow… now what? Well, true healing comes from understanding. We need to try to understand why we have this and where is may come from. 

Yesterday, I mentioned that I noticed the need to seek validation and approval and when there is some form of rejection, I crave being saved from it.

First, I think back to when this started. I can remember it in middle school for sure, being confronted and begging friends to stand up for me, disappointed in how alone I felt. That being said, it seems clear that either it began in elementary school or even existed my whole life. 

Starting with the seeking validation part, I recall in elementary school I never felt popular or really liked. I had a good friend, but it was never like “sleep overs and lifelong promises” friendship. That is a whole different shadow I can dive into. I also had tons of crushes who never reciprocated. In my neighborhood I was bullied pretty badly by some neighbors at an early age and isolated a lot consequently. My cousin was my best friend but she had close friends herself and I often felt insecure at how close she was to others. My brother was also who I played with for the most part until he outgrew me. I never felt truly liked. I felt like a blob that just watched everyone else live their life and I felt alone. 

The thing is, from the ages 5 - 11, you shouldn’t have an empty cup. You should have the love of your parent(s) filling you up and giving you the esteem to handle socialization outside of the family. However, my parents were emotionally unavailable due to several reasons. Both occupied with my older brother, both drank and fought, and when they split up, the complications of them trying to rebuild their post-marriage lives left me often overlooked. I was the youngest, the only girl, and was often looked at as being “an old soul” with the emotional adaptability to handle it on my own. But I see now, my cup was empty. I did not receive the attention and validation kids need in childhood. 

And there it is, all the approval and validation I seek was from feeling overlooked my entire childhood to no avail. And the desire to “be saved”? Well, clearly I felt like my parents did not advocate for me when I needed it, so that parental advocacy I also crave. 

There it is, the why behind the shadow. You see how

I reflected on the earliest memory of the shadow’s behavior, thought about what was going on in the period of my life, what I needed back then and boom, it all makes sense together. 

If you find it’s hard to consider and think about, you are probably getting close. I cry thinking or trying to talk about this. It is an unhealed wound. But, this is why we are here. To heal it.

 Tomorrow, we will talk healing. 

- Dani 💙💚