Using Intentional Discernment in Romance

I am writing this as much for myself as for you. There is some part of me that despite all the effort, I am a hopeless romantic. The idea of being swept away by some magical person gets me almost every time. 

And trust me, I do want to maintain some faith that chivalry isn’t dead. However, we do things realistically around here. Yes, true, devoted love exists, but so does love bombing, empty promises, inauthenticity, and unhealthy partnerships. 

Whether your intention is to find a mate for life or a casual fling for the season, it is ESSENTIAL to use discernment as unideal relationships pose major risks towards derailment of your goals. 

Finding someone who respects you, respects your journey towards your dream life, and who is compatible with your current AND ideal lifestyle is huge. 

Regardless of the kind of relationship (or situationship) you desire, if they take time and energy, they better respect you. Your time and energy are precious, with the realistic intentionality path highlighting mindfulness in every moment, any moment dedicated to someone lacking basic respect is not worth it. How you define respect is up to you to figure out through mindful contemplation and momentarily awareness. 

Personally, if I notice I feel upset, confused, frustrated, misunderstood, or radical highs and lows (the classic rollercoaster ride effect) more often than I feel peace, assurance, or bliss - that to me indicates some part of me feels I’m not getting the respect I deserve. Any compromising with yourself in allowing that kind of energy in your life, most likely is not aligned in your dream life. Unless your dream is endless drama, in which case, you do you! Yes, lessons can be learned from unsuccessful or unpleasant relationships, but don’t throw out years for lessons from how NOT TO BE treated when you can learn the same lessons from someone showing you how TO BE treated. The drama and turmoil can distract you from your efforts towards your self-improvement. 

This next one is a bit harder, you need to find someone who respects that you are on an active journey. This one blows my mind, as I’m someone who always has a goal and a project I am working on, but I have encountered many potential partners and sadly, partners who just don’t get it. They either don’t understand the point of mindfulness or intention, they don’t strive to improve their situation, or they feel like the understand so much that they know all the things you SHOULD be doing instead of what you have planned for yourself. To sum it up, they don’t respect YOUR journey. 

I am all for being friends with people with different perspectives and lifestyles, but a partner is someone you exchange effort with intimately. Many times, you hope for them to be a safe space for your thoughts and ideas. If you can’t daydream out loud to them with acceptance, interest, and non-judgement - what can you do with them? Sure the sex may be great, but you can get just as good of sex with someone you can tell every silly or inspired thought to. Not to mention, many times on the journey of leveling up your life, you have to address some unpleasant issues of self, trauma, limiting beliefs, and obstacles. Someone who doesn’t respect the journey, won’t be able to help you through the journey. 

The hardest certainly, is discerning whether someone is compatible with your current and future self. Will this person help you grow positively and grow along side? This one is devastating for me personally. I personally struggle with this as I’ve loved partners so deeply who simply, couldn’t grow with me. Their insecurities, addictions, negative beliefs, and unhealthy behaviors not only stifled them, but stifled me. 

Growing apart is a process where resistance and distance form in a relationship. One person changes and develops and the other does not vibe with the new changes and developments. Then resistance or resentment set in and someone may have to compromise their own efforts to sustain the relationship. Obviously, on a path of working towards goals in every aspect of life within every conscious moment, any back pedaling and stifling is undesired (though part of the process in small doses). Especially when you can have someone who grows with you and you can relish in the fact that you’ve both discovered a beautiful new truth and circumstance. Work together to maintain compatibility, relationships do take effort. But, once the effort seems draining and fruitless, it is time to take a long look at whether the relationship can go the distance. 

If you are unsure about whether you can discern these things in partners early on, do not worry. As with everything here, mindfulness is key. Check in with yourself when you are with them. How do you feel about the activities you do with them? How do you feel about the conversations? How do your dreams and lifestyles compare, are they similar, compatible, or conflicting? Do you feel the need to justify their behaviors to yourself? Are you compromising your values and intentions to make it work? Can you be your true, authentic self around them and be celebrated for it? 

 

The more the answers indicate something is unaligned, the more you need to walk away. It may hurt, but holding your life to your intentional standard is the empowered choice. You deserve EXACTLY what you want. Who knows, maybe it will work out with them in the future, but for now, it’s all about you and your dream life. 

- Dani 💙💚